Eat for Success

The following satire was written by Terry Beale when DeKalb county was looking to implement a mandatory uniform policy called "Dress for Success." I think it does an excellent job of pointing out the flaws in the pro-uniform arguments. Used with permission.

Eat For Success
by TCBeale

Once upon a time, a school system in KeDalb County decided to improve education by imposing mandatory apples.

The administration knew that apples are healthful and that healthy children generally do better in school. They used their Common Sense to postulate that children who ate an apple a day would have less absenteeism and be more attentive and thus the county’s test scores would rise. So they formulated their Eat For Success initiative to require each child in the county to bring an apple to school each day and charged the teachers with ensuring that those apples were eaten.

Someone pointed out that requiring families to supply an apple each day could be construed as a fee for public education and the county would therefore have to provide apples at no charge for underprivileged families. The administration, in all its wisdom, said "OK, we won’t require an apple. We will require an apple, a pear, OR a peach. Each school may choose two of these fruits and each student shall bring one of its Official School Fruits. That way, we’re offering a choice so we do not need to supply free fruit."

And it was so.

Some families liked the mandatory fruit. They were generally families who ate apples (or pears or peaches) anyway and who bought into the administration’s claim that requiring this on a county-wide basis would increase test scores. Other families were unhappy for a variety of reasons and requested to opt-out of the policy. One girl had braces and could not eat apples, pears, or peaches, but the administration would not let her eat bananas. One boy had digestive problems and was subject to diarrhea when he ate fruit but the administration refused to consider vitamin supplements. One family owned a vineyard so could get grapes free but the administration would not allow the substitution. Some children just plain did not like the Official School Fruits, and those children were scorned as trouble-making deviants. One by one concerns and objections were expressed, but the administration refused to back down, saying that the program would not be successful unless ALL children ate an apple, a pear, or a peach every school day.

It was suggested that the school system could achieve its objectives better by teaching the children nutrition, but the administration thought that would put too much burden on the teachers.

A nutritionist stepped forward to state that, from a nutritional point of view, there was no evidence to support the theory that a mandatory Fruit Policy would increase test scores, but the administration preferred to rely on anecdote and personal opinions.

A concerned citizens group pointed out that it is not the role of the school board to dictate nutritional policy—that was a parental right and responsibility. The administration blew a raspberry in response.

Meanwhile, the families who supported mandatory apples were getting upset because they didn’t realize that they were allowed to provide their children with the Official School Fruit even without the Eat For Success policy. Somehow they got the impression that if any students were permitted to forego the approved mandatory fruit, their own ability to get their own children to eat apples would be compromised. So they said "Hey, if it’s good enough for me, it’s good enough for you! Get over it and eat an apple!" And they tried to argue their point:

"It’s easier to throw an apple in their lunchbox than to have to decide what to feed them each morning!"

"Apples are cheaper than "Lunchables," so I save money!"

"If you require your kids to eat apples, then they will be too full to eat gummy worms and other food that is obscenely jiggly."

The citizens against mandatory apples shook their heads sadly and despaired for their school system and their fellow parents who had good intentions but who couldn’t see the forest for the apple trees.